I have never been comfortable with leadership. Nevertheless, there I was, leading a five-day retreat with twenty-something seasoned leaders, activists, counselors, and other people more qualified than I was to lead it. On day four it cracked. Diverse expressions of a seething dissatisfaction rose to the surface—a cacophony of unmet needs.
Many of their expressed needs seemed contradictory: some wanted more physical activity; others more deep intellectual discussion or more on practical applications. Some requested more structure and leadership from me; others wanted less from me and more from other people. One person said that she felt that imposing a structure upon a group and taking it upon myself to administer that structure was an inherently violent expression of patriarchy. Another was in anguish that as we sat in that room, rain forests were being cut down—and what were we doing about it?
I won’t pretend that I masterfully held space for all the conflict to arise, for the hidden to become visible, for the group to pass through that inevitable stage that precedes real intimacy. The best I can say is that I listened to everyone without getting defensive and tried on each criticism like a piece of clothing. But I had no idea what to say, who was right, or what to do next.
Notwithstanding my having no idea what to do, something larger than any of us held us all in its hands. After the storm passed, we entered an activity that took on a transformative power I’d never seen it have before. I felt like the servant of that activity, not its leader, even as I “led” it. Afterward, the earlier conflicts felt resolved, even though none had been met directly.
Significantly, that activity never would have happened at all were it not for a stroke of extraordinary luck that contributed to my feeling of being held by something larger than our separate selves. At a key moment, a woman who had been mostly silent said, “I see a lot of egos flying around the room. I came here to spend time with Charles and I trust him to offer what is right.”
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