Five Stories You Won’t Find Anywhere Else on the Internet

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Congress of Homosexuals “welcomes” church hierarchy

Catholic priests

Credit: Creative Commons / Magnus Manske

 After days of intense and strident debate, a meeting of LGBT activists and leaders in New York City issued a dramatic statement yesterday that recognized the “gifts and contributions” of the Catholic hierarchy.

“Of course we’re not saying that all in all Catholicism is a good thing,” said Sander Peterson, working chair of the group. “We just couldn’t go that far, not as long as there are no women priests, and they still discriminate in lots of other ways. And the sexual abuse scandals? Well, what can I say that hasn’t been said already? We’re just saying that despite everything some of the Catholic hierarchy really are good people, doing their best despite their sins and shortcomings. And I for one will welcome them at our events and organizations, providing they don’t make too big a deal out of their Catholicism, of course.”

“Over my dead body,” said Patricia Vasquez, leader of a dissenting minority that threatened to create a new LGBT group, tentatively known as “The Schismatics.” “With the history of their treatment of women in general, and lesbians in particular–not to mention witches–I’ll be damned if I’d let one of those perverts in my groups. Let them repent, publicly, big time, and disavow their sinful past, and then maybe, just maybe, I’ll think about forgiveness and acceptance.”

Four women throw acid on the faces of Islamic militants

Four women riding specially outfitted Harley-Davidson motorcycles roared into an outdoor convocation of militant jihadists, surrounded two of the group’s leaders, and threw acid in their faces. They sped off, evading capture by releasing a series of smoke bombs and bags of nails to confound pursuers.

Sometime later a spokeswoman claiming to represent the four issued a statement which read, in part: “We are sick to death of women being shot, blinded, beaten, killed and humiliated. If these men think violence is the right way to keep women in their place, let them know that violence is a knife — or, in this case, some acid — that cuts both ways. They are not immune to the effects of their evil deeds. We are watching; we are waiting: do it to women and, God willing, we will do it to you.”

‘Forget Ebola,’ public health officials warn

Ebola

Credit: Creative Commons / A doubt

A statement signed by thousands of public health officials from sixty-seven countries warned their own governments and international organizations that “while Ebola is a dangerous disease, it is miniscule as a public health threat compared to other issues that receive far too little attention and funding for prevention. We are referring to the perversion of human relations embodied in various forms of violent intergroup conflict: war between states, ethnic groups, and religious groups; murder by terrorist bombs and by guided missiles and drones; and war to create an Islamic state or protect a capitalist state, for national glory or for the flow of oil.”

“Count the dead,” the statement concluded, “count the destroyed homes, lives, communities. Count the wealth wasted that could have been spent on other things. You want to fight the most dangerous plague, forget Ebola and AIDS and cancer and all the rest; end the production of weapons, disband the armies and militias and Special Forces and tactical units and air forces and navies. Tell people, especially tell men, that war is no way to live.”

Oil company executives apologize for global warming

In a formal statement signed by twenty-three CEOs of the world’s leading oil companies — including Exxon, BP, Texaco, and Aramco (arguably the most powerful forces behind global warming) — issued a deep, and seemingly heartfelt, apology.

“We just realized that global warming, well, it could really be destructive, and that it would be much better to make the transition away from fossil fuels now rather than later. We know we’ve already caused a lot of damage” (they specifically mentioned massive droughts, the effects of heightened storms, increased rate of species extinction, and millions of dollars spent to convince the public that global warming isn’t real) “and we’re really sorry. We pledge our personal wealth and the resources of our companies to trying to make things right. Sadly, we can’t undo what we’ve done, but we can try to make the future a little better for our children, our grandchildren, and the rest of life on the planet.”

 Media ‘big shots’ pledge reality first

Acting with unheard purpose, editors of major newspapers, directors of leading websites, and publishers of journals and magazines have vowed “to stop treating crazy people as if they were sane.”  They were referring, they stated, to “People who think murder of unarmed civilians is a religious obligation; or who believe that limitless increases in consumption are good for people or other species; or who believe that human problems like envy, greed, fear, and rage can be solved by smarter computers. If people say or do things that are nutty, by God, we will call it like we see it. After all, how far will insane beliefs or public policies or cultural values get us?”

No, you won’t read these stories anywhere else on the net because, you’ve probably known from the start, none of them are true.

Isn’t that too bad?

Roger S. Gottlieb is professor of philosophy at Worcester Polytechnic Institute. His newest book is Political and Spiritual: Essays on Religion, Environment, Disability, and Justice. [Read an excerpt here.] He is also the author of Spirituality: What it Is and Why it Matters and the environmental short story collection Engaging Voices: Tales of Morality and Meaning in an Age of Global Warming.