There are many ways to embarrass the United States. For example, refusing extradition requests or illuminating its hypocrisies. And while such methods can work, they are one-hit wonders, unable to be sustained over the long haul.

However, one method for embarrassing the United States has been perfected so finely that it can be repeated, over and over, without fail.

Here is how to do it, in three simple steps:

Step 1 – Become America’s “Most Important Ally”

The first key to embarrassing the United States is to position yourself politically such that its President will call you America’s “most important ally.”

Words aren’t enough, though. You must also have those words be backed up by billions of dollars a year in financial aid, thus establishing emotional and financial bonds that are unbreakable.

Step 2 – Enlist America’s Help for a Problem You Won’t Solve

Now that America is invested in you, its foreign policy officials will be highly dedicated to strengthening your long-term survival in ways you aren’t.

But even though you’re not interested in truly solving your most pressing and threatening problems, pretend that you are. After all, you want to give the appearance that you appreciate all America has done for you.

For example, embrace with open arms the help of an uber-invested Secretary of State, such as John Kerry, by agreeing to peace talks with the Palestinians it took him months to secure – talks that America has tried to restart for years.

You’ll want to make sure the U.S. knows that you are agreeing to such help, after all this time, because of how much you value the amazing bond the two of you share.

Step 3 – Embarrass America with Impunity

Now that the U.S. has finally achieved a perceived breakthrough in your relationship, it’s time to strike. Undermine all America is doing for you by announcing – just days after enlisting America’s help – that you’ll be building 1,000 new settlement homes.

But don’t just make a standard announcement. Do it with flair! Have your Housing Minister declare:

“With God’s help we will continue building all the land of Israel and Jerusalem the capital. It must be made clear that this is only the beginning. This melody can’t be stopped.”

Then, to top it off, complain to America that the other side is inciting against Israel, and threatening the success of American help. Make sure to cite something innocuous, such as the song lyrics of an Arab Idol winner.

Then sit back and watch as the United States scrambles to placate your concerns, with nary a word about how you’ve embarrassed the U.S. by showing up its Secretary of State and undermining American help.

This formula is time-tested, having worked dozens of times over the last thirty years. Is it easy to pull off? No. But with the right focus and dedication, you too can embarrass America without consequence for years on end while simultaneously threatening your own long-term sustainability.

Follow David Harris-Gershon on Twitter @David_EHG


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