How We Criticize, Hear and Are Empathic With Each Other: a Clash of Cultures Evident on Tikkun Daily
by: Dave Belden on October 5th, 2010 | 12 Comments »
The controversy over Be Scofield’s post on perceived racism in the mainstream, chiefly white, yoga world seems to me to reflect a clash of at least three American cultures. All three are made up of decent people trying their best to survive, thrive and help this suffering world. Be straddles these cultures. In his post he talks in the voice of one of them to his friends in another of them, and is getting very angry responses from some of those friends, partly perhaps because of the influence of a third culture that is rising today and that a lot of us are trying to learn from. These three I am calling white liberal culture, the critical writings of the oppressed, and nonviolent speech and action.
1. White liberal culture
The first is the white liberal culture that is the heartland of American yoga today. This culture thrives among people who are mostly well educated, in wealthy or middle class families (though some are living simply by choice), and liberal in opinions especially on religious and social issues, who have been drawn to an originally Asian spiritual and physical practice for good reasons. It’s no easy thing to be in a typical middle class job or lifestyle, especially these days: everyone seems to be doing more than one person’s job, needing a high degree of focus, long hours, serious people skills, constant juggling if one has children, a curtailed personal life, exhaustion, stress, and fear that it can all unravel with one job loss, car accident or illness. The stay-at-home spouses and the retired are also stressed, not least by their awareness that everyone envies them while the entire voluntary sector depends on their leadership and the world is in terrible trouble: poverty, war, pollution, global warming. This is a frenetic culture more conspicuous for rising rates of depression and prescription drug use than for its joy and happiness.
Yoga can be an absolute boon to people in this harried state, not just calming the body and nerves, but also awakening experiences that might have seemed beyond reach: inner peace, a stilling of the self, more space for awareness of others and this beautiful world, compassion, an opening of the heart, even joy. That some people who are on this journey find great value in going to places where very poor and different people live, and experience a sense of oneness and connection with them, is no surprise: it may be absolutely extraordinary and life-changing for them.
2. Critical Writings of the Oppressed
The second culture is located among the potpourri of American minorities, which are not one culture but many. For all their differences they do share some qualities, chief among which is a deep experiential understanding of privilege. Those who lack privilege and power in any given situation are always more aware of its advantages than those who have it. They have a keener knowledge of the insensitivities and rationalizations of the privileged than the privileged themselves do. In a traditional patriarchal society the wife knows much about her husband that he would be shocked to hear her say (she doesn’t say it to him, but only to other wives), while the white servant knows much about the wife that she never says to her, while the Black slave knows most of all. As Amanda Udis-Kessler laid out in a beautiful post last week, this is a complex matter because many people are privileged in some ways while lacking privilege in others.
Over the last century or more, voices have arisen from the unprivileged in America that have said loudly what could never be said in public before. Whether in angry or philosophical or tone, in sermons or speeches, poetry, songs, rap, novels, analytical essays or major academic tomes, Sojourner Truths of every oppressed group have spoken up. It’s not too much to call this a single culture today, because in certain college programs and web-connected activist circles everybody gets informed by the writings and attitudes of these truthtellers. There is now a tradition of unvarnished speech, where the nasty nature of privilege is laid out in language that would burn the ears of the master or mistress of the house if they ever got into an anti-racist or queer workshop in a radical seminary such as, oh I don’t know, the Starr King seminary attended by Be Scofield. I don’t mean that this speech is filled with animus or bitterness, though some of the writers naturally are; it often has a more objective tone to it, a “this-is-how-it-is” laying out of the evidence in a comprehensive and scholarly analytical fashion that is hard to gainsay. The people schooled in this culture find nothing untoward in Be’s tone; they appreciate his clarity and acuity of analysis and see how much he has tried to avoid arrogance and animus. As he wrote in a comment: “The feminist tradition has written about and called out racism within the movement for a while now. My article is well within this tradition. Read “Ain’t I a Woman” by bell hooks.”
Often the thing that burns people schooled in these experiences of the unprivileged and in this culture of truthful speech about it is not so much the overt racism of the good ol’ boys, which has the merit of being visible. Instead what infuriates or saddens or simply looks ridiculous is the invisible racism of privileged and frequently self-congratulatory liberals. To voice that analysis is to disrupt these liberals’ sense of themselves as good people trying their best. As a straight, white, middle class, English-American male, I have long ago learned not to be surprised at the depths of my own unconsciousness about my privilege. This is why Be has mentioned several times how striking it is to him that a high profile, white, liberal, self-described antiracist could be surprised that a wealthy white liberal woman on one of her tours would use a racially insensitive word. He is making the point that no white liberal schooled in anti-racism could possibly be surprised by this. It’s a real clash of cultures.
An aside about pigs, grunts, and redemption
I was raised in a Christian and interfaith movement that arose out of American evangelical revivalism, which taught that we are all sinners. When someone did something embarrassingly sinful, a common response was, “What do you expect from a pig but a grunt?” This was not said in an accusatory tone, so much as a forgiving one: we are all sinners, join the club, fess up, ask God for grace and strength to change. Alcoholics Anonymous grew out of this movement, and if you know AA you can hear in it the same kind of blunt truth telling that is linked to a belief that acceptance of unpleasant but unsurprising fact is a major step on the road to redemption. Be’s post reflects a similar expectation or at least hope that his truthtelling will be received more with humble gratitude than being seen as unconscionable mudslinging. He hopes this in part because he takes pains to say that he is a sinner too — only not using that term, which most of us ex-Christians now despise.
3. Nonviolent Speech and Action
The third culture is that of nonviolent communication and action. This isn’t quite a single culture. Some parts of it are in the tradition of Gandhi and King, because focused on achieving great social and political changes: today’s necessary equivalents of Indian independence, African American civil rights and the other causes that MLK took up, including opposition to the Vietnam War and support for the poor. Other parts of this culture, like most of the people that I know who are attracted to Nonviolent Communications, are not focused on structural and systemic oppressions or violence. Miki Kashtan, the founder of BayNVC, is one of the exceptions, as her posts here show.
Generally speaking, middle class people in our era (and every era?) have been more aware of and frightened by conflict and by the fear of becoming poor themselves, than they have been energized by the poverty and oppression of others. This isn’t an accusation so much as an observation, and an unsurprising one. We embrace politics and ideas as a result of our experiences, and the emotions that arise for us in them. Many middle class people who are attracted to conflict resolution, mediation, nonviolence and careful speech are in fact conflict-averse. This may sound obvious but it isn’t. Gandhi and King were not at all driven by an aversion to conflict. They led their people in great conflicts.
Before voices, leaders and movements arise from the oppressed to throw off their oppression the conflict is there, but largely invisible to the oppressors. It is suppressed. The slaveholder can imagine all is well and the slaves happy. What was remarkable about Gandhi and MLK and their like is that they brought the conflict out into the open, boldly made it visible, but did so in a nonviolent manner. They told truth but with compassion and expectation that their oppressors were human and capable of moral suasion. They believed they could be helped towards moral suasion by massive, shocking, nonviolent, noncooperation and speech that would starkly reveal their oppressive policies, ideas and actions in all their bald ugliness. No escape.
That kind of nonviolence is also taught at Starr King and similar seminaries, and in various activist circles, though it is a hard teaching and not as evident in oppositional movements as many of us long for it to be. It has also not yet found a clear relationship to the other teachings of nonviolence that are common today, at least in nonviolent culture as practiced by most of the white, liberal, middle class people attracted to it. What is attractive is learning how to speak without accusation or judgmentalism. We learn to use “I” statements, and to take responsibility for our own actions, so that for example instead of saying “your nasty words made me angry and react harshly” we learn to say “when you said those things I felt angry, and I reacted harshly from my anger.” Instead of laying out other people’s transgressions in public, we try to learn instead how to be empathic towards them. Some people schooled in this culture would consider Be’s post to be unconscionably aggressive. Ironically, feeling that he has violated the norms of nonviolent culture seems to lead some of them to accuse him angrily of doing so!
Many people schooled in nonviolent communication or attracted to it can’t stand the left-wing press and radio: they are so full of aggressive accusatory speech, which bolsters the feelings of the speaker and their choir, but only hardens the hearts of the other side and of all the people in between. No wonder, they think, that the left has failed to make ground. As Miki Kashtan eloquently explained on her conference call on Sunday (to which you were all invited), social change activists have been taught the skills of advocacy, but not those of listening. So when they — whether Right or Left, Israeli or Palestinian, and name-your-favorite-opponents-here — feel they are not being heard, what do they do? They shout louder. But as they shout and advocate, things that create connection are lost: these things include the willingness to listen, to listen so well you can express back to your opponents what they say in words they accept as accurate, and they also include things of the heart, like one’s deep longings and fears, and things often hidden, such as vulnerabilities and doubts. People schooled in this kind of speech no doubt find Be’s language to be unacceptable.
Conclusion
There is no doubt, if you read the comments to Be’s post, that connection has been at least temporarily lost between him and some of his friends, or people he respects and would like to be colleagues with, in the yoga movement. I hope that all of us can breathe deeply and help us think through the value of these three different cultures I have attempted to sketch here. They each have value. They are each on a journey. They are trying to integrate with each other, to learn from each other.
At breakfast last week with Miki Kashtan and Nichola Torbett, I experienced something of the fusion we are seeking: Miki minced no words in saying what she thought was wrong about some ways I had acted, and I minced none in half-defending myself, but our connection was not lost: we parted better friends even than before. We knew how sweet that had been. To be first connected, and then able to tell each other the truth as we see it, and not lose the connection: that is an ideal. Then we are being fully real with each other and maintaining trust, and are able to learn from each other. There are few better things people can give each other than that. This is what I aspire to see in the fusion of the traditions of critical writing and analysis on the one hand with empathic connection on the other. As we struggle to learn how to do that, we find that we are making mistakes, perhaps losing connection when we thought we wouldn’t, or failing to say our critical thoughts even when we are connected. This is not an easy road. For a single blog to try to merge both these traditions successfully, well, you can see how hard that is. I hope that taking this wider perspective about cultures that are clashing and trying in come cases to merge, will help to take the spotlight off the particular individuals involved.



Bless you Dave Belden for this thoughtful and warm hearted essay. Yes, our compassionate justice working movements exist in a ‘big tent’. Tikkun (of whom I am very grateful) has a special place in bringing many of us from different streams to the same table. I am so grateful for the loving communities that are present here.
I am grateful for this article for I see much reconciliation and common ground to be reached surround Be’s original essay. I, like many, have spent a number of days reflecting upon the essay and the comment thread.
I believe that there are open doors and open hearts of possibility surrounding Be’s essay and I anticipate seeing healing the ways forward. Where through nonviolent communication, the highest level of allied justice work in solidarity can be achieved.
When I read Tikkun and ‘meet’ the many diverse activists here through their writings I am consoled that our futures are rich with good things. Out my brokenness, and our collective shortcomings, together we can achieve great steps in the healing of our world.
Bright blessings, Eric Hanson
Hi:
I haven’t been here in a while, and I see, of course, that nothing has changed .So, some controversy has arisen, and there you all are, as earnest and as compulsive as usual in trying to keep your “loving” connections with each other intact. I mean, if Be Scofield’s connections to some others have been severed, so what? Things happen between people, and ruptures occur. Better to have an honest break, than paper over things artificially, as “spiritual” people often do (and as middle class dorks also do to not face heavy emotion, and to retain their privileged statuses).I’d rather be alone than sweep conflicts under the rug.
One last thing: the author of this blog mentions Alcoholics Anonymous and how constructive it is. Has he ever attended meetings regularly? I have ,and my experience is that they are mostly a waste of time, full of earnest phony spiritual people , who can’t take a stand about anything for fear of offending, and of losing their self-images as being so loving and compssionnate. The author speaks of blunt truth being spoken in AA meetings; nothing can be further from the truth. Slogans and platitudes and drug-like spiritual nonsense is what AA is all about. Subsitute a non-existent Higher Power in the uncritical minds of AA dishrags , for alcohol, and that is AA. For critiques of AA, see the website Stinkin Thinkin. WARNING: this site is full of critical “offensive” “negative” people like me, so some of you may pass out from the bad vibes.
Marco
Good post, Dave. By that I mean thought provoking content, good points made and well said/written.
I’d like to explore the “magic” of “I” statements a little bit sometime. I’ve been involved in men’s movement groups for a long time, some social feminist, some male essentialist, some religious “faith-tradition” in origin and some just plain guys trying to make sense of the shirtstorm around them. I had the good fortune of a recent, or at least early 21st century liberal arts education 2.0 (college 1.0 back in the ’80s happened but only the lenders gained much from that). I did a stint in a 12 step group that turned into a replacement addiction–so much for that idea). I learned to use I statements and the practice has definitely been transformative in some sense. But “owning one’s stuff” is not all the magic it’s cracked up to be. There’s a perceptible class threshold to its effectiveness.
More than once, I have noticed that telling my truth, revealing my lived experience in terms of owning what’s my part in that falls on deafer and deader ears as my voice transmits up the class strata. I think this class threshold exists perhaps because a lower classer owning their part in a mess of the upper’s making to the upper simply means getting a pass on their part in it; the guy down below is owning up so now we can move on (because the upper believes it was always only the part of the lower anyway). Read my comments all over the place about the whole foreclosure boom hoohah and read the typical uppers’ responses.
The other limitation of “I” statements as a voice moves up the class heap is the negative-positive filter uppers use to tune out the lower class voice as it comes up the heap. If it’s what the upper considers reflecting a positive attitude, great, the upper is all ears. If it’s negative… yeah well, it’s the lower’s fault anyway, right? This is something I notice in my own extended family which has siblings and in-laws who have married out into several different strata. Ironically which do they all confide in, who keeps their secrets?.. yeah, the ones lower down. Oh well, we live closest to dirt and chaos so WTH, right? anyway, that’s OT here…
In Be’s piece I couldn’t help but notice the class issues all over. The comments reflect them. I find it hard to talk to someone with a problem who refuses to see they have one. Uppers privilege and insulation thrives on distance, “objectivity”–it’s nothing personal, it’s just business. Down here you can’t get away with that. But neither can we afford, down here, to just own our stuff (or at least talk about it with the privileged). Because up there, they can’t hear us.
NVC and class outta be explored too… I find Miki Kashtan’s stuff illuminating but limited. Mainly because I “think” the NVC process and mindset has the most potential out of anything groups have done thus far in terms of communicating and being present and mindful in and out of conflicts. I don’t know yet, that’s why I keep reading Miki’s stuff (and Marshal Rosenberg’s stuff) even though what I read sometimes just confuses and infuriates me, because I need the way around all the obstacles, I need a way through to those deaf privilegeds vested with all the power that I really need them to let go of and share with us down here. I have a distinct intuition, however that even NVC has a class threshold a progressive deafness or inapplicability as the method transits across class strata, well at least the cultural values inherent within those strata.
Thanks, Dave.
This is really interesting but something is bothering me about the business of “owning” and then that gets shifted to “owning up” in your paragraph starting “More than once,…” Owning one’s feelings rather than blaming them on someone else is a useful way of being responsible to oneself and of connecting with the person who, in more common ways of thinking, “made us mad.” But owning up is a mea culpa, which I see as quite different. You can own your anger without owning up to it, which suggests you were at fault to be angry. Anger is not something to be ashamed of; what you do under its influence may be something you become ashamed of, but not necessarily. Expressing how you really feel without apology to an upper class person that you are really connected with is something that could have an impact on them, that they will have to work hard to rationalize away. No?
[Aside: my batterer would love to find and kill me, so I like to use a nickname]
Hi Folks,
As an old woman who was both abused in childhood and battered in adulthood, you bet your booty I’m aversive to conflict! It scares me down to my primitive brain that’s pretty sure a raised voice and/or you-messages mean I’m going to get hurt and killed since I was hurt and threatened with death before.
The article was thought-provoking to me, as were the responses. I have to agree with Dave Belden because my conclusions (as an Associate Degree RN who went to school after work for year after year to eventually earn a Masters in the School of Consciousness and become a therapist and worked in impoverished county or inner city hospitals and clinics as well as a psychiatric prison unit) is that we are each influenced by our genetic inheritance, our surroundings, our education, our spiritual beliefs, our culture of origin and culture of choice, our financial situation, our friends, the media, our luck or lack of luck, our drug(s) of choice, what we eat and drink–and this list is far from exhaustive. Our reality is absolutely real to us, and the reality of others is usually pretty clearly “wrong” to us.
Since 12-Step programs have been the most successful in allowing people to get clean and sober, I’m sad they have such a bad rap. Yeah, any group can be dysfunctional, but, generally speaking, their work is to change the thinking that causes problems to thinking that doesn’t. The work is generally empowering–again with some groups’ being the exception.
I clearly remember getting up early, going out of my way to pick up a work colleague and get her to work, then picking up casual commuters in the days when we could cross the bridge free doing so. On about the 7th day of doing this, the casual commuters and the colleague all agreed that I was evil to own the car they were riding to work in, free of charge, and that I had sold my soul because I bought it, auto insurance, gas, etc. None saw any irony in this perception. Except me.
I think it’s possible that there are as many realities and as many approaches to doing good as there are people. Sure, we all see out of our own experiences, etc. and that’s not wrong–it’s just different. (Unless, of course, your difference finds me wrong.) Joking seriously. As long as we harm no one.
Rie Tk’s comments and life experience were interesting in perhaps helping make my intuitive point about conflict-averse “spiritual” people. I wonder if those who are pathologically averse to conflict have some childhood traumas to work out, as she does evidently. What she describes is EXACTLY what Dr Arthur Janov describes as classic neurosis in his incredible books. See “The Primal Scream” and “The Biology of Love” and other books by him. Janov describes how day-to-day upsetting events can trigger unresolved traumas that are usually unconscious and buried, just as Rie describes. Because traumatic things get stirred up, persons tend to avoid situations that stir them up, and then rationalise their avoidance with all sorts of justifications. In the case of “spiritual” people: ” I will just avoid or placate my enemy because I am above anger and resentment, just like Ghandi”. Janov’s therapy helps use triggers to get people INTO their repressed conflicts (NOT avoid), cut through the rationalisations, and fully re-experience them and thus heal. What is most often encountered is repressed rage and deep hurt inflicted by parents. And Janov goes deep into primitive brain structures just as Rie alludes to (see his “Biology of Love” especially.
Since I have not expereinced this therapy, all I have described is an intellectual summary of what I understand Janov to be saying.
Marco
What I hear in Rie’s post is not that she has repressed conflict, but that she has had enough of it. She reports remembering very clearly what happened to her in childhood. Someone who is aware she was abused as a child and abused as an adult has not repressed the conflict. For my part, I lived with a lot of conflict and anger in childhood. Assorted therapies have lead me to conclude that going back into past conflicts reinforces them and their consequences, whereas I seek to weaken the consequences and develop new strengths. I’ve given myself permission to learn new lessons. I’ve also learned a lot more about why the folks who were harsh with me were who they were, and as I understand more about them, my anger fades.
The hard part is addressing change without anger; anger is a poor map but great fuel. Somehow, we must learn to be fueled by compassion and understanding as effectively as by anger.
Well, another reason spiritual people avoid conflict (as opposed to dialog) is that conflict can easily, easily turn into violence (initiated by either side). It’s very, very hard not to strike back after you’ve been struck. In my humble opinion, forcing a confrontation (by blocking a street or occupying an office) is an act of aggression. It may be well justified, like at the School of the Americas, but it’s probably going to provoke an angry or even violent response unless you are dealing with a very professional adversary. Martin Luther King’s genius was to oppose injustice through non-aggressive acts of protest – by boycotting racist businesses, speaking out and peacefully marching and demonstrating. “Heading a procession of 1,500 marchers, black and white, he set out across Pettus Bridge outside Selma until the group came to a barricade of state troopers. But, instead of going on and forcing a confrontation, he led his followers in kneeling in prayer and then unexpectedly turned back. This decision cost King the support of many young radicals who were already faulting him for being too cautious. The suspicion of an “arrangement” with federal and local authorities–vigorously but not entirely convincingly denied–clung to the Selma affair. The country was nevertheless aroused, resulting in the passage of the Voting Rights Act of 1965.”
I am so grateful for this conversation..thank you Be, David, Miki for generating it..I also really appreciate the comments and lover the quote that anger is great fuel but not a good map!
I wonder if it would help to frame things using Wilber’s AQAL model? The focus of the model is to shift out of the argument btwn inner and political change and points the way to creating structural change AND doing inner psycho/spiritual work individually AND creating connections btwn people through communication skills and guidelines for deep, rich, real conversations that don’t gloss over difficult issues and also don’t re/wound the people participating in those conversations. I think a lot of cynicism and exhaustion can be avoided and real change can take place when we are not pushed to make a false choice btwn all the ways that will nurture the vision of a world that is healthy for all–and that includes the inner life of individuals and relationships and the political life which will always both reflect and be influence that inner life.
Sorry…I meant to say: and that includes the inner life of individuals and relationships and the political systems we are embedded in which will always both reflect and be influenced by our inner life and our relationships..
Pat Madsen: Check out Arthur Janov’s books, they might change your mind.
Ed Stamm: yours is exactly the type of “non-violent” nonsense that would have left the world in the hands of Nazis. Sure, engaging in conflict can escalate into violence. It did when the Allies resisted the Nazis. That could not be helped. If you see a guy beating his girlfriend, would you not try to help even if that meant fisticuffs with the abuser?
Marco
Grade A stuff. I’m unuqeistonably in your debt.