Three Ring Circus: the Thrill of Couples Counseling
by: Elizabeth Cunningham on June 15th, 2010 | 4 Comments »
When I work with couples, I feel like I am under the Big Top. There may not be elephants, clowns, or trapeze artists (not literally, anyway) but there are definitely three rings. The work is exciting and keeps me on my toes. As counselor/ringmaster I have to be aware of what is happening in all three rings at all times.
The ring on my right features one person and the ring on the left, the other. The ring in the middle is where the mystery unfolds, for it belongs to both people. In the beginning the center ring is often either utterly deserted or bloody with the carnage of past gladiatorial battles that may erupt again any moment.
As ringmaster, I have (figuratively only!) a whistle, a spotlight, and a bullhorn. I use the whistle to halt attacks. Attacks are not the same as discussion (even heated discussion) which can lead to negotiation and resolution. My first task is to ensure safety, so that the couple can find the courage to risk revelation and connection. The spotlight brings focus to one person or the other or to a particular issue or dynamic. The metaphorical bullhorn is not to make my voice heard but to help adjust volume. Often one person is speaking more softly, literally and figuratively, and needs to be amplified. Another person may be having difficulty hearing the other, because his or her own volume needs to be lowered a bit.
In the first session or two, I am often turning the spotlight back and forth to the two outer rings so that I can hear each person’s story fully, without interruption. Although it seems like not much is happening in the center ring, slowly, in the half light, another as yet unspoken story is gestating. Even when the spotlight is on one person, I have to be intensely aware of the other. If all goes well, the one who is out of the spotlight joins me as a listener, begins to become a witness, not just someone waiting his or her turn. One man recently remarked, “I have heard her say most of these things before, but when a third person is present, I hear differently.”
At first, each person tends to direct what they’re saying to me. By the second or third session, my most oft repeated phrase is, “Talk to each other now.” And yes it is thrilling to watch initial reluctance (each one keeping one eye on me) shift to full engagement. Then the spotlights converge on the center ring, and I sit in back in the shadows, watching and listening until I am needed. Sometimes something will come up from one or another person’s past, and the spotlight is theirs again, often with help and encouragement from the other person.
By the third or fourth session, the couple is spending considerable time in the center ring, albeit sometimes circling each other warily. But now curiosity is beginning to come into play, curiosity about this other person who is surprising you at every turn, because the truth s/he is daring to tell does not match the assumptions you’ve always made; curiosity about yourself, questioning why you react the way you do, instead of blindly defending your reaction. Curiosity about how things work or don’t work, how life could be less painful and more delightful. Now the clowns can come in to lighten things up, now the laughter begins as the couple looks at their own and each other’s absurdities with amusement and amazement instead of shame and rage.
When a couple heals their relationship, each person’s own old wounds begin to heal, too. Then anything can happen in that center ring with enough practice. The couple can become trapeze artists and fly through the air with the greatest of ease trusting that their partner, and/or the strong net they woven together, will catch them.
Then the ringmaster applauds, tips her hat, and leaves the tent.
Elizabeth Cunningham has been in private practice as a counselor for twelve years. She has been married for thirty years.
i love the analogy…sometimes my home life is like the circus mgerkus… ringleaders like you make the world a better place
Now if we could just find ringmasters that don’t bankrupt lower class couples in trouble with “sliding scale” fees that are over $100 a session (most with good reputations don’t take insurance anymore)…. $100 for a lower class couple might as well be a million…and it just gives the excuse to the partner who figures it’s all his fault anyway that it’s too expense so the answer is no… the guy leaves, is ostracized by the community and friends because he was “selfish” and a “bastard” and all the usual garbage. yada yada. Ugh.
I am affordable, and I appreciate your point. I may write about the downside next week.
Well Just Jack you raise a good point. One major problem is that insurance often will not pay for treatment of ‘couples’ only individuals. This is because as a society we value independence and divorce over marriage and family. Once we make it a priority and encourage employers to choose plans that support intact families we will begin to make strides in getting MFT covered under insurance plans.
Second of all consider the economic cost to the couple of divorce. Consider how expensive child support and alimony are. You may rethink that small amount of money in the long run. If you ask your bank for a line of credit or even a friend or relative for maybe $500 to be repaid as you can for the purpose of saving your family you might be surprised by the outcome. Tell the counselor up front that you are poor and would like to learn how to communicate better in as few sessions as you can- They will work with you!
Third, Priorities Can Change! I make 18,000 a year. My new wife makes more but has a lot of student loan debt. When we decided to get married we agreed that we would see a counselor. We wanted to divorce proof our marriage. We budgeted more for the counseling than the wedding because in the end THAT is what matters. Couples need to see that “the big day” is a drop in the bucket. For couples who have access to a “flexible spending account” through their employer they can use it for medical/emotional needs like counseling. You pay a small amount each week like 15-25 bucks and are given a preloaded debit card at the beginning of the year with the entire amount, say $800-1200. Couples can plan to use this amount for all kind of expenses like counseling or prescriptions that pop up.
One other option is to attend marriage enrichment classes taught by family life educators. The highly trained people are working in non-profits, churches, synagogues and all sorts of locations. They teach parenting classes, communication skills, and can help families use their cultural and religious backgrounds to enhance their lives. It is an intervention and educational approach to strengthening the family. It is often free or low cost through those places.
Finally, many MFT’s offer couples counseling and get it paid by insurers by coding it as individual counseling. It may be borderline unethical, but for the goal of the practice which is to help couples and families it is sometimes necessary. So maybe a couple could ask their counselor if they would be willing to code it that way.
Your negative attitude in general towards MFT seems to be geared towards some sort of resentment. Rest assured that MFT has helped many couples, and can help low income couples if they truly value saving their marriage. For anyone who has already made up their mind to leave, MFT won’t keep the family intact.