Gosh, it has been nearly three years since you died and I really do miss you. So much of who I am is because of who you were. Here we are again, Mother’s Day, and I can’t send you any flowers, or call you on the phone, or surprise you with a visit… But I can think about who you were and do something you used to love to do… tell a few stories that will make people laugh.

“Tell the bosses, tell the brass, shove this contract up their *&$^(@#”

The Case of the Curious Clause

Mom was a scrappy kid from the Bronx who barely graduated High School but what she may have lacked in credentials she made up for with chutzpah. The photo I’m posting with this is from her union days. She was the shop steward for her office of Laguardia Medical Center in Rockaway New York. Local 1199 Drug and Hospital Workers was a powerful union back in the day, and still is. When it was time to negotiate a new contract, Muriel Wiesner was always there. She could spot a trick a mile away, and when others might allow a clause to sneak its way into the pages and pages and pages of legal gobbledygook, Mom was always on top of things, ready to say “Wait a minute… If this clause stays in there we’re going to get screwed.”

During one particularly contentious discussion, one of the “suits” from management patted her hand and said “Now listen little lady… Don’t you worry your pretty little head over something like that. Our lawyers have assured us that the language in there is in your best interests. You just have to trust us.” Mom came home furious that night. The next morning she took that section of the contract to breakfast, along with that day’s Daily News. Sipping her coffee with some friends at the corner candy store, she looked at the front page of the newspaper, started laughing and told one of her friends that she knew exactly what she was going to do about that part of the contract.

That evening, as she sat down at the bargaining table again, she pulled the newspaper out of her bag and placed it, face down, in front of her. The “suit” came in and sat next to her and they had some polite chit chat. Then, Mom said “You know, I’m still pretty concerned about this section of the contract…” The suit said “Now I told you little lady… our lawyers have looked at that and they said it will be good for the union.” Mom turned the newspaper over, pushed it in front of him, and said “Well I’ve talked to my lawyer, my cousin… see his picture on the front page… And he says this clause is bull…”

Mom’s cousin, the lawyer, was on the front page of the Daily News, sitting in court next to his infamous client, one of New York’s biggest Mafia bosses, on trial for whacking a bunch of folks.

That section of the contract was removed that evening. Yay Mom.

The Case of the Unhappy Future Mother-In-Law

My mother cried when I finally came out and told her I was gay. Partly it was disappointment that the dreams of Ken and Barbie that she’d had would never come true, and some of the tears were from how sad she was that I’d felt the need to keep it a secret for so many years. Once I was out, though, she was determined to be out too… and any chance she got to tell someone she had a gay son, she took. She and my father were eagerly looking forward to coming to California, where my partner Derrick and I were planning a “Holy Union” ceremony in the Spring of 1990.

An old friend called her one day, very upset. Her son, a 40 year-old FBI agent, had met a woman in Japan and had fallen in love. He told his parents that he was going to ask her to marry him, and asked his mother for her blessing. “Muriel, I don’t know what to do. This girl won’t fit into our family. You know those Japanese… they’re so different, so cold… This is the worst thing that could have happened…”

Mom was ready. “Listen honey, your son has been single for so many years, and you’ve been worried about him, and now he’s found someone to love and all he wants is your blessing.”

“You don’t understand Muriel. I can’t have my son marry a Japanese GIRL!”

“Why not?” mom asked. “My son is marrying a Japanese BOY!”

Her friend hung up on her, but called back a few minutes later, laughing.

The Case of the Wrong-Sided Pizza

Friday nights were United Leukemia Fund Bingo nights. My father and I volunteered, selling cards, calling out the numbers, handing out winnings… while my mother played. Before the game we would always go out to Schiano’s Pizza. On this particular night, they had a new kid waiting tables. Mom ordered a large pizza, half pepperoni, half plain. When the kid came to deliver the pizza, he placed it on the table and started to walk away. My mother said “Hey Kid! What the hell is wrong with you?” The kid turned around and asked “What did I do?” Mom said “You made this pizza wrong. I wanted the pepperoni on the other side, not this side.” She said this while pointing to the half of the pizza that was plain cheese. The waiter said “What difference does it make? One side has pepperoni and the other side doesn’t!” Mom said “It matters to me! Go get your manager.” The kid started to walk back to the kitchen, got around five steps away, and then turned around. He came back to the table, took the pizza he had placed on the table, and turned it so that the pepperoni and plain sides were switched. Mom said “That’s better!”

That was my mom. Happy Mother’s Day everyone.