Empathy and Authenticity in the Workplace (part 1 of 3)
by: Miki Kashtan on April 25th, 2010 | 3 Comments »
When I talk with people about Nonviolent Communication and about empathy and authenticity, I often hear skepticism in the form of “Yes, but what about_______.” Frequent candidates for filling in the blank are teenagers that don’t respond to anything; Hitler; very angry people; and workplace situations. It seems many of us are habituated to thinking that empathy and authenticity belong only in some contexts and not others. Today I want to look at the workplace context, because so many of us are at work more of our awake time than anywhere else.
Can Connection and Effectiveness Coexist?
On the surface, it appears that the time it would take to reach mutual understanding and collaboration would detract from task-oriented focus, thus taking away from productivity and efficient decision-making. On closer look, I see at least three ways in which connection could enhance effectiveness. First, people who are heard and understood, have more goodwill to contribute. Second, people who are often operating within the fear and discomfort arising from conflict and mistrust literally have less of themselves available to produce. Lastly, when decisions and agreements are based on true connection and mutual understanding, such that “yes” is really a “yes,” people are much less likely to back out of what they said they would do.
How Can We Connect without Appearing “Touchy-Feely” to Others?
Rachel Naomi Remen tells in Kitchen Table Wisdom of two surgeons from the same department who were seeing her for therapy. Each of them said that he was the only one in the department who cared about patients, and that everyone else was there for the money, while she knew at least one other person in the department who also cared about patients and just didn’t show it. This story has stayed with me, because it helps me remember that no matter what the surface presentation is, everyone has a heart like mine underneath it. If I want to connect, to be present empathically and to show up authentically, whether in a workplace or anywhere else, I want to reach out to others in a way that is most comfortable for them. How can you do that?
For starters, be clear on the purpose of your reaching out. In particular, consider what amount of connection is needed to achieve the purpose at hand. More often than not, in my experience, people balk at the language of feelings and needs when the speaker is trying to connect without such clarity. In such instances often the speaker, eager and excited about using their newly acquired skills of empathy, ends up inviting more connection and especially more vulnerability than the culture of the workplace supports. In almost every situation it may be possible to find a way to express to others your understanding of what’s important to them without invoking language that’s challenging for them. For example, the act of pausing to reflect in and of itself supports relief of tension without requiring going into any depth of feelings.
Similarly, when choosing to express with more authenticity, you have a wide range of choices about what to say and how to say it. For myself, when I manage to be as conscious as I would like, I tend to focus my expression on those aspects of my experience that point to shared purpose with whomever I am speaking with. For example, if I want to say “no” to someone who asks me for something, I make a point of saying (if it’s true, of course) how much I want to support them and why it doesn’t work for me to do what they want. This is a way of tending to relationships. Whether in the workplace or anywhere else, everyone wants to know that they matter, and you can prioritize conveying that with sufficient clarity.
In short, put your empathy and your authenticity in the service of finding common ground and mutual understanding. My own choice of what I focus on is not random. To the best of my ability, I strategically offer transparency, authenticity, and empathic presence that are likely to support those goals. More often than not, this focus results in solutions that are likely to work for everyone involved.
More on empathy and authenticity in the workplace in the days and weeks to come. In the meantime, if you are inspired and want to learn more, I will be co-leading a 5-day intensive training May 10-14 called Making Collaboration Real: Empowering the Workplace with Nonviolent Communication. It would be lovely to meet some of my readers I don’t already know.
Crossposted from The Fearless Heart
One must first over come the obstacle – Of the preaching of empathizing – Too often it has been used – That one must empathiz – For those – doing bad things to others – A simple example – I must forgive them – for they really did not know what they have done – Even that has it’s limitations – put on it – So we go back and look at – One reaps what they have sown – Maybe one that whats the Empathy – might want to sow Empathy
Good post. It is interesting that as you suggest, just by changing one’s intent and implementing a few simple changes in behaviour, empathy and authenticity can increase while still respecting the culture created in a work place.
I was inspired by this post as I am reaching towards being my the most authentic to myself, that I can be, at my workplace. I am exploring living my most authentic self at my blog.
Kara
I wish I could witness this firsthand in a workplace. Well, in one of my workplaces, LOL. In one of the environments where I work, it’s a wolf pack mentality and adversarial relationships are the order of the deal though my role is to remain neutral (coaches, no matter their training, still see the official as an adversary–which is wholly absurd but this happens with highly competitive male types). Once they smell weakness, it’s over. I often find myself wanting to help them see that I definitely hear what their needs are but meeting them (or their wants, which is most of the time the case not really actual needs) may not be in the best interest of the spirit of the Game, the game at hand, the players, fairness, safety, etc.
In my other workplace environment, fear and “the law” are the excuses for eschewing “touchy feely” things like consensus and other democratic concepts like full participation and the like. Miki should write up some case studies, concrete examples from a variety of situations so people like me can see how this is actually applied. So far it’s still just theoretical in a hostile or otherwise adversarial environment.
My experience with NVC is that it works wonders when everyone is committed to using it. But in adversarial settings, NVC, empathy, etc. may be authentic but it gets you fired, blacklisted or bloodied.