Is Resentment Inevitable?
by: Miki Kashtan on April 18th, 2010 | 7 Comments »
Recently I talked with a friend about why he harbors so much resentment towards his partner and their 13 year old child, that he sometimes reacts with intense anger to relatively minor snappy expressions. My friend, let’s call him Fred, wanted to free himself from the grip of unconsciously chosen anger, so he could choose how to respond.
Invisible Contracts
As we talked, Fred recognized that it’s highly unlikely that he can transcend his reactivity in the moment. It’s almost always too late. The moment of true power is earlier, when he makes his own choices about what he will or will not do.
Fred suffers from a common affliction I like to call being “overly nice.” Simply put, Fred tends to stretch towards his partner and his child, or say “yes” to what they ask of him. That “yes” often comes with an expectation, usually unconscious, that they will appreciate him later. Then, when they don’t show appreciation, he can easily experience it as a breach of an invisible contract they don’t even know they signed! No wonder he gets so angry.
Complete Ownership of Our Choices
The first practice Fred decided to adopt was simple: before he says “yes” he will check to see if he is genuinely able to do so without expecting anything later. Fred was shocked to discover how often he would then have to say “no.” I then offered him a middle strategy as well. If he couldn’t release his expectation, maybe he could be honest about it. He could say something like: “I’m willing to do it. I am so sad to say that I don’t have the capacity inside to do it without building resentment. Would you like me to do it given how much of a stretch it is for me?”
Asking for What We Want
Fred was excited about how much freedom he could get just from learning to identify and honor his limits. For greater freedom, he decided to become equally honest and exacting with himself about what he wanted from his family and to take explicit action to make it happen. His continuous willingness to stretch had been hidden from his family, making it so much easier for them to take his “yes” for granted. Now he plans to be transparent about stretching so he could be seen.
He also intends to let his family know how much he wants appreciation, and to ask them to express appreciation whenever they notice it. Working his way towards expressing his need, Fred had further insight that self-respect is about how he treats himself, and has very little to do with how others treat him. This allowed him to glimpse the possibility of expressing to his partner in full the pain he sometimes experiences in their interaction, rather than masking his vulnerability with anger.
Freedom
I heard from Fred that in the first 24 hours of applying his practice he already experienced much more freedom than before. He said “no” to his child on a number of occasions. He noticed how much harder it was to say “no” to his partner. Even without changing all his habits, he experienced growing clarity, self-honesty, and choice, and reduced resentment. I like to believe that many of us can increase our sense of power in life if we become more honest about saying “no” when anything less than unattached generosity is motivating our choice, and if we grow in our capacity to ask for what we want.
This article came at an opportune time. I am working with a hypnotherapist–being sent by an acupuncturist and a physical therapist who diagnose my physical pain as, essentially, stress based. I agree, and much of the stress is, like Fred, holding back, being nice when I really do not feel that way. But, when the person–such as a child or spouse–is told, nicely, how one really feels about situations and the result is to be ignored or ridiculed what is the next technique? I’ll ask my therapist, today.
My experience is that many people do not want honesty, no matter how carefully, honestly,lovingly, thoughtfully couched. Something about selfishness?
such a good friend Fred has, to offer such wisdom! all too often i find myself falling into old patterns where getting approval is confused w/what’s loving for me, what honors both parties. when i react to get approval, i also give away my power, which again–isn’t loving to me, or the other person. i must remember to listen to my own needs, honor them & be willing to communicate from my heart, ideally in a way that “the other” can receive; letting go of expectations of what their response will be is only one part of it–another is not to take any response personally, which is easier said than done. we’re all works in progress, & having compassion for ourselves at every step of the journey helps a great deal.
Thank you for this! Insightful descriptions that I can relate with some of my own life/inter-personal frustrations.
As another Fred with a startlingly similar pattern, this gives me some good ideas, I think I will try it…
Miki, you could also be describing me here! One of the things my first marriage foundered on was my inability to stop being terminally nice, until my bottled anger exploded. I had to learn not to be so nice, and instead become more real, which is an incredible relief in itself, not to be hiding things; and if your partner can meet you there, then she/he can help you get to more real solutions where both are contributing equally to the solutions and no one has reason to feel resentful. It has taken my second wife a long time to teach me this… twenty nine years so far and still working at it. The feminist insight that it was often paternalistic of me to be the nice guy, patting the emotional woman on the head as it were, helped me be more real. Then I casually talked about being overly nice once at a party and a psychiatrist said that some of his most difficult clients were men who were Quakers or otherwise religiously committed to nonviolence, who had the greatest difficulty owning up to their own anger and violent feelings, and that comment has really stayed with me: I felt the truth in it.
Miki – I’ve ‘done’ a little NVC and I sense some NVC (Nonviolent Communication) here, Fred’s need for appreciation, and the freedom he felt as he practiced expressing this need ; and the beautiful needs of clarity, honesty and choice that were also met. I like the nice easy, compassionate way you have of dealing with this problem of ‘overly nice, but angry’. Thanks!
I’d like to share some experience around this area of saying “yes” when I really mean “no.” I was in fear – straight up fear. Fear of what people would think of me should I say “no.” I also was in ego – how much emotional “kick-back” can I get from this activity (of people-pleasing.) I was willing to sacrifice my self-esteem and sanity for a very temporary acceptance and need – which I mistakenly identified as “love.” The suggestion of responding “I’m willing to do it. I am so sad to say that I don’t have the capacity inside to do it without building resentment. Would you like me to do it given how much of a stretch it is for me?” is better than saying yes when you mean no; however, it still gives power to another person and is not the spirit of true responsibility for my decisions/choices. I have gotten much better at making choices from faith, not from fear. I also give others in my life to take on responsibility when I say I can’t do something for them. Of course, I help others, but over-helping and over-responsibilty is a character defect that I try to let go of one day at a time, and one request at a time. Honest is the foundation of the response – if I can, I do – if I can’t I don’t. No explanation – no guilt, no shame. Ben Franklin said “what starts in anger – ends in shame.” Faith and trust is a much better outcome – it ends in a peaceful surrent to what is – and not what should be. Bottom-line is good for “Fred” for trying to lovingly and pro-actively improve his responses to the people in his life. A great motive and it will bring back more benefits (good energy) then dishonesty and passive agressive behavior based on fear. A prayer that works for me is to pray only for the knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out. Another is to pray for God to remove whatever’s blocking me, to give me intuitive thought or direction, and to redirect my attention to whatever he’d have me be.