What Is “Nonviolent” about Nonviolent Communication?
by: Miki Kashtan on March 18th, 2010 | 6 Comments »
Crossposted from The Fearless Heart:
One of the most frequent questions I hear when I talk about Nonviolent Communication is “Why Nonviolent?” People feel uneasy. They hear the word nonviolent as a combination of two words, as a negation of violence. They don’t think of themselves as violent, and find it hard to embrace the name.
For some time I felt similarly. I was happier when I heard people talk about Compassionate Communication instead of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), because it felt more positive. After all, isn’t the practice of about focusing on what we want, where we are going, instead of looking at what’s not working? Why would the name be any different?
Like others, I was unaware of the long-standing tradition of nonviolence to which Nonviolent Communication (NVC) traces its origins. Then I learned more about Gandhi. I became more acquainted with the story of the Civil Rights movement. Then I fell in love with the name Marshall Rosenberg gave to this practice, and more so over the years. Here’s why.
Nonviolence as Love
The word nonviolence is the closest literal translation that Gandhi found to the Sanskrit word ahimsa. Although in English this word appears as a negation, in Sanskrit naming a concept or quality through negation instead of directly is sometimes a way of suggesting it is too great to be named. Indeed, avera, the word for love in Sanskrit, literally translates into “non-hatred.”
Hinduism is not the only tradition that honors the unnamable. As a friend pointed out to me when talking about this, Judaism has a similar practice. The name of God is unsayable in Hebrew, being letters without vowels, without instructions for how to read them. Some things are beyond words. And nonviolence is one of them.
Gandhi said: “ahimsa … is more than just the absence of violence; it is intense love.” (Gandhi the Man p. 53)
What is this kind of love? It appears to me that Jesus and Gandhi and those of us following their tradition through the practice of NVC think of love as the full radical acceptance of the humanity of every person, regardless of how unhappy we are with the results of their actions. This love is a commitment to act in ways that uphold that humanity; to care for the wellbeing of the other person even when we are in opposing positions; even when all that we value is at stake.
For the past 15 years I have been dedicating my life to this quest. I want to keep learning and exploring what nonviolence means. I want to live this intense love; model it as best I know how, and more; expose and seek support for the places where I falter; and support others who want the same, who want to grow their capacity to love everyone, including themselves. This blog is, at heart, an attempt to do just that.
What Shall I Write About?
Under that heading I am asking readers of these blog posts what they would like to hear about from me. If you are interested and have ideas for me, please go to this post on The Fearless Heart where I outline some possibilities, and leave a comment for me there, or here on Tikkun Daily.
Sorry. I don’t accept the lack of distinction between communication and behavior. Communication is never violent. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me” is a truism.
Yes, we can hurt each others’ feelings, but that does not approach the meaning I have for violence. Rather than acting non-violently, the proposal for nonviolent communication is a matter of flossing. To blur the distinction enables the kind of violence we both oppose.
Words (emotional abuse) can damage a child for life. Words perhaps do more damage than physical abuse, as the child takes them in as Truth…
Miki, I appreciate you, your work and the clarity you provide for those of us seeking to practice (the hard part) the principles of NVC. We recognize that “thoughts are things, ” so what we say and how we say it can either seed acts of kindness or acts of violence; the choice is ours.
The only aspect I’ve found of NVC that’s problematic is getting my kids to use it. No matter the amount of modeling, they just won’t take the time to learn (they are attention-different and have difficulty making such adjustments and expression is often instant, impulsive and intense). However, as my eldest has begun to make some changes (seemingly on her own volition rather than family expectations–she’s soon to be 13 after all) in her manner of communication and so on with others outside our family, I hold out hope our modeling of the past decade will eventually pay off.
I’ve found that while some mid-level and lower level management people privately express appreciation for our use of NVC in correspondence and problem solving efforts, officially people mostly use our NVC usage against us. They see it as a weakness, blood in the water and the sharks come a swimmin’
We’d both like more training in NVC and mediation usage but the fees are far beyond our reach. I keep hoping more books will be written, but as we learned long ago, NVC has to be practiced aloud in order to be employed in everyday use.
Dear Miki,
I just returned from 2 months in Israel and Palestine where I offered NVC trainings to Palestinians, secular Jews and Orthodox Jews. When people there heard I was giving “Nonviolent Communication ” trainings, the response was pretty consistently- wow- we need that! I didn’t hear what I often hear here in the States- why do you call it that? I”m not violent in my speech etc.” People there seemed to get the connection between nonviolence in communication and nonviolence in action. I have written about some of the workshops and would love to hear feedback from you and others— link to http://www.steps2peace.com.
Roberta
Miki, reading your blog right now is such a comfort. I am not sure how to say this but I found comfort on what you are trying to say regarding NVC. I am not getting any younger, I, a senior, also want to keep learning and exploring what nonviolence means. That intense love, I want to love everyone, I want to love myself.
Thank you for this blog.