Good Deeds on a Tiny Scale
by: Lita Kurth on January 6th, 2010 | 7 Comments »
Truly healing and mending the world can seem like an overwhelming task, beyond the capacity of everyday folks. It’s easy to feel that only big actions — starting an organization, a publication, a nonprofit, or a school and reaching at least thousands — counts. In today’s post, I’d like to say a word in favor of one-to-one generosity because recently I experienced several instances that were balms and blessings.
Case One, the Restaurateur
Over winter break, my family and thousands of others attempted to visit the Academy of Science. It should have been a tip-off that vehicles lined even the furthest edges of Golden Gate Park, so, after learning that we’d have to wait three hours or make alternate plans, we began trudging back to our distant, expensive parking lot. Along the way, my husband noticed a vegetarian Indian restaurant with a buffet lunch.
I wasn’t hungry myself, so we debated whether or not the proprietor would believe we weren’t pulling a fast one — a party of three paying for two all-you-can-eat meals.
“We might as well ask,” I said, expecting a not-unreasonable rejection. We entered the little hole-in-the-wall where the woman behind the counter greeted us in a kind and quiet manner, devoid of salesmanship. I asked my question, and, without weighing it, she assured me my non-customer presence would be no problem. I didn’t have to present an argument or plead my integrity.
I happily rested my knees (injured a couple months ago) at the table while my husband and daughter filled their plates and relaxing music played on the boombox behind the counter. The lentils and naan, garbanzos and samosas smelled and looked delicious, but I only wanted hot tea. “Could I buy a glass of chai?” I asked, getting out my wallet.
“Go ahead. Just have some,” the proprietor said and pointed out the samovar. I got my totally free cup of chai and sat sipping, thinking gratefully how hard it must be to be generous in running a business. Wouldn’t I myself have been anxiously calculating?
All the more Namaste to her.
Case Two, The Nurse’s Aide
Small unpublicized acts may echo for a long time in people’s hearts. Many years ago, my youngest brother died unexpectedly. It was a horribly traumatic experience; only my younger siblings were home when it happened. Our family, recently torn apart by divorce and a move from the country to a marginal urban neighborhood, was devastated. During the following days, an aunt of mine who worked as a nurse’s aide, did two things I remember with intense gratitude. First, she shared her Valium with us — maybe that seems small or even wrong, but we were beside ourselves, and it helped. Second, she cleaned up the bed, full of body waste, where my brother had died. She washed all the sheets and blankets, scrubbed the floor, and remade the bed. It was something we couldn’t bear to do ourselves, and she spared us that.
Namaste to her.
Your turn?
I’d love to hear from readers about small acts that have had a lasting impact on them.
We who have hitchhiked have known such experiences of kindness………..myself, in 1955, just crossing from Germany to Denmark and very near-broke, wet and hungry, picked up by Hans Shmidt, a farmer, taken to his home where I ate at the large table with his family and workers a stew of indescribable taste and goodness………good people, all, and a bed for the night to help carry me to my 79th birthday this year………just one ‘small’ gift from strangers out of many………..Tony Roeber
When I was 25, I was living in a place that rented out a few rooms. One of the men who worked in the dining room there was very kind to me when my car got towed one evening. He noticed, instead of ignoring my situation, and talked to me in an expression of attention and care– rather than criticism of me for parking wrong. An intangible sweetness that made me feel special from his heart; I am now 55 and it remains in my memory, a moment someone cared about me — I value it 30 years later.
Thanks, Tony and Karen, What meaningful memories. I was thinking recently, “What are the obstacles to my generosity? What keeps me from responding in a like fashion?” and I noticed one thing today: I was going through my list of duties in a robot-like fashion and sometimes experiencing other people as obstacles, in other words, not really experiencing them, not really being present to them, or interestingly, to myself. So I’m working to slow down and wake up.
I’d also like to hear about other people’s obstacles to generosity and any means of overcoming them.
Four off-the-top-of-my-head thoughts on the occasional obstacles to my generosity: 1) A lack of being organized and unharried, so as to seize those golden moments when I so clearly see chances to spontaneously give to others;
2) A lack of confidence that someone in whom I see need, would want my attention;
3) self- consciousness versus others- consciousness, closed versus open & ready to relate to other people; and
4) the feelings of depletion and fatigue that come from giving unintelligently or from giving in a state of exhaustion, without being replenished emotionally or financially.
This topic compells me (as evidenced, I guess, by my posting on it 3 times now ;) and I, too, would be interested in — (and feel a need for) — ideas for overcoming obstacles to a flow of generous small deeds of kindness… I do those kinds of deeds but have obstacles to doing them more wonderfully and more often and more constructively. Maybe thinking too much about it versus feeling unanalytically is ironically an obstacle? I don’t know. Thanks for the topic!
That’s a great point! A small act can have a lot of meaning packed into it.
A moment that really stood out for me, although it might not seem like a big deal to someone else, was when I went to the hospital to have my baby, my friend packed me a post-partum “goody bag” full of magazines, junkfood, and creams and soaps to pamper myself with. I hadn’t expected to get something like that, and the reminder that she was thinking of me and wanted to ease my time at the hospital made me feel so loved and taken care of.
Little kindnesses can have a big impact, and stories like the ones here are a reminder of how important it is to take the opportunity to go out of our way for others, even when it doesn’t seem like such a big deal to us.
Thanks for the inspiration!
I really love that list, Karen, very thought-provoking. I guess psychology (and religion) have suggested for a long time the link between loving ourselves and loving others. I am thinking that loving myself includes all I can do to be fully present. Here are some thoughts and I’d love to hear others:
1) slowing down so that maybe I do less but I do it mindfully
2) accepting imperfection in my actions and in those I aim to help (An unfortunate aspect of my earlier aspirations to help others was that I wanted to wait for just the right recipients for my heroic deeds–which often meant inaction.)
3) seeing myself as just one element in a world I don’t run, trusting that doing my part is enough. I don’t have to have a comprehensive view of the whole situation or try to ensure that all is well in the entire world. This can combat my compulsive feeling of never doing enough or somehow feeling that it all depends on me.
But this opens up another interesting question: is there such a thing as “bad” giving? I guess I’m thinking of enabling or giving with big strings attached. Do even those have a good side?
And re: Allison’s post, there’s something special about generosity being a surprise, no?
I really appreciate and benefit from these dialogues. Till later!