Women’s Happiness
by: Nancy Vedder-Shults on September 25th, 2009 | 7 Comments »
Marcus Buckingham has caused a stir in the blogosphere by reporting on the United States General Social Survey about American women’s happiness. The long and short of it is that women are unhappier than they were 40 years ago (and men are happier). Nobody can figure this out. People have their own pet theories (See several of them at Huffington Post and elsewhere). But really it’s all sheer speculation. Why would women be unhappier now when they have more opportunities, greater education, more access to the political process, and better work options?
Part of the problem is Buckingham’s description of the study involved. I read another report of this major study, and it showed that some of the reasons for the discrepancy between women’s and men’s happiness had to do with how much time each of them engaged in activities they disliked. Since the 1960s, men have gradually stopped participating in pursuits they find unpleasant, while women are working just as hard, then as now, on things they don’t like. There’s been a shift in which activities those include — more paid work and less housework — but the bottom line is that women spend 90 minutes a day more than men doing what they would rather not do. In 1969 it was only 40 minutes.
Marcus Buckingharm says women’s “second shift,” i.e. their disproportionate responsibility for housework, doesn’t explain women’s diminishing happiness. But I think his reasoning is specious. He declares that although women still do more of the cooking, cleaning and child care than men, men are beginning to catch up. But women have been taking on more work outside the home than ever before, so although the trends might be in the right direction, today women are still losing out — by almost an hour a day MORE than 40 years ago. That makes me unhappy just to think about it.
The authors of this study also said that women now have much longer to-do lists than they once had. We could barely get everything done 40 years ago, so today it’s just impossible. When women can’t check off everything on their lists, they end up feeling that they’ve failed. Betsey Stevenson, one of the study’s authors, summed it up by saying that women 40 years ago had narrower ambitions. To illustrate this theory, she told the story of talking to a friend who was a business school graduate. According to the friend, her mother’s goals in life were to tend a beautiful garden, maintain a well-kept house, and have well-adjusted children who achieved in school. The business graduate added, “I sort of want all those things, too, but I also want to have a great career and have an impact on the broader world.” Whew! Talk about superwoman! It makes me tired just to think about such ambitions.
As a culture, I think American women are going through their superwoman phase. I went through this period as a graduate student in the 1970s, while teaching Women’s Studies. I realized that I wasn’t superwoman and that I had to rachet back my expectations of myself or I wouldn’t survive. Most American women can’t do that today. They have to hold down their (newly-won) jobs, still do more of the housework than the men in their lives, plus somehow make a life for themselves. When we only had stereotypes of what a women’s life looked like it was probably easier. You just followed the customs of the day. But that didn’t make it better. Lots of women — especially educated women — felt frustrated by the restrictions set on their personal choices (Remember Betty Friedan’s Feminine Mystique?). As a culture we’re still in transition. The gender revolution isn’t complete yet. And it takes two to tango, so men — it’s time to start vacuuming a little more and sharing your free time with your mates.
And within your defined categories there is still more complexities. Sometimes more sometimes less oversight. Which new product to choose from, which really works, who do you trust with wood floors and deep pile rugs much less your children. Appliances today can do as much damage as help (children killed on the exercise machine, rug pile burned away by vacuum on wrong setting, humidifier burns up, spills on floor); in the aisles of the grocery store it’s a horror. New products, new packaging, new weights and measures…..same size box or can for ONE and a half what used to be for TWO. If you’re baking you’d better check the labels. Qualities as well as weight changes without notice. Child rearing choices more complex and the culture seeping into the little ones or pounding them between the eyes trying to lure them away from our protective eyes. Toy guns before they walk; air quality or contaminants causing asthma, genetic deformities, what about the power lines, the cell phones, the micro oven. The new vaccines: do you or don’t you. How can you not? Which toys are safe? Who’d ever thought a plastic bottle could be so dangerous. Today we know the hazards and even more of what we don’t know What officials can you trust; who’s telling the truth. Who has an ax to grind. Who’s filling that prescription? Trust isn’t simple anymore. The policeman in the car despite of his uniform and badge, may not be who he says he is. Should your child have a cell phone at 8 or 12? What about an i pod at 7. The ‘toys’ aren’t sparking the imaginations. What do parents have to ‘hand down, besides clothes. The familiar games are gone. If you don’t help your school, it may suffer serious consequences. The jobs are tense and the time spans shorter and sharply juxtaposed. It’s a jungle ‘out there.’ I’m not surprised that neither sex isn’t more satisfied. The roles are blurred and shifting. Decisions aren’t final. There is less meaningful responsibility to assign. Our children can’t play outside without us. What constitute child abuse? Did you tap that tushi or slap it? Who’s to say. You peeping tom neighbor whom you might not even know. Do you live in a neighberhood community where people care about each other. Or are your neighbors speaking another language you don’t understand. The milieus are diverse. Isn’t that good?Our senses are bombarded 24/7 with ideals we can’t obtain. Nail polish for infants, perfumes for toddlers, strange and sticky new snacks in peculiar shapes and forms that claim to be healthier. The mini decisions can be fatal. It’s mind blowing. The amalgam of new situations generating new questions can be TIME consuming. Maybe we all need time management training. Oh, did I mention the mail. The mail disguised as checks. And have we solved the “do not call” issues. The robots and evasive techniques are getting smarter. It seems to me we used to be a lot more honest with one another ‘in my day. (and I’m only 65) and you’re right: less complexities to contend with, less stimuli in our senses, less choice. But let’s face it, some will argue rightly the other side (the benefit side), Is it simply a mental construct that we bear the burden of; is it simply we’re not used to it (all the ‘newness’ all the instruction books, all the password convolutions we might get ourselves into). Should we do the botox or just go natural? Is Green hair in yet? Did I mention fashion or the lack thereof? Either way it costs. I have no complaint with men per se. I think they are every bit as dumbfounded as the females. They just don’t talk about it as much. (Or do they?) What is prime time a reflection of these days? How we are and how we might end up? Are the jokes funny? Maybe that’s enough to stay put.
Don’t change that channel. We’ll be right back (in three minutes). You’d better know how to program your VCR by now.That bicycle tire looks wobbly. My grass is patchy. Is there even safe lawn care? Does everyone play by the same rules? Especially for their septic tanks. The deal sticks to you. That was last year’s satellite dish. Last year’s data dish. Everyone can have a portable remote control. You can watch at least 3 channels at once. Overload, overkill, overjoyed.
Reading Nancy’s post I was going to say something about how much more choice we have today, but June demonstrated that by riffing on all the choices we are faced with (I’m sure she would reply she only covered a portion of them and she’s right).
Are women more burdened by the modern range of choice than men? You could make the argument from evolutionary psychology that prehistoric gathering is all about seeing everything, and choosing the best range of items to collect from a myriad of things, while hunting is about obsessive focus on prey and excluding from notice everything that doesn’t move or relate to that one thing. This could be overdone of course, but the things that people say about how much better women generally are than men at multi-tasking, and research about how language is more distributed across the female brain: doesn’t that relate? In a multi-task overload culture, like June describes, the hunters may be better able to exclude info in order to make the kill. Just an idea.
Not that I don’t need to do more housecleaning.
Dave and June –
After reading each of your responses, I would have to agree with Dave that there may be evolutionary reasons for more female than male overload in our current culture. From my last two posts, you may have some inkling of how I deal with the overstimulation these days. I select very carefully what touches my ears and eyes. I don’t watch television at all. I take in my news through reading, and at times I give myself a news vacation. I salve my soul with good music and good novels. I walk everyday to allow nature to help me balance a world that can easily get out-of-balance. And I meditate.
I’ve discovered in the last decade that I’m a sensitive person. This means that I have to protect myself more than some other folks, otherwise I have back problems. I believe that there are probably more sensitive women than there are men in our culture, given the differences in socialization that we receive. So this as well may lead to greater overload and, therefore, greater unhappiness.
“Why would women be unhappier now when they have more opportunities, greater education, more access to the political process, and better work options?” Perhaps because we’re more aware than men that some, if not all, of those may be fleeting or illusory.
I’ll grant you education. But in a changing economy, the benefits of higher education (along with more debt) aren’t as clear as they were a decade ago.
I’m not sure what you mean by more opportunities. Usually when people say that, they are speaking of consumer choices. So we’ll just skip over this one.
Then there’s the big kahuna: better work options. But only 5% of women work in the 10 highest paid occupations for women (pharmacists, executives, physicians and lawyers, etc.). The rest of us pretty much do the kind of work we’ve always done (teachers, clerks, nurses, administrative assistants, etc.) (http://www.iwpr.org/pdf/C350a.pdf).
And the current economic shock certainly isn’t sparing women. Jobs are disappearing and not being replaced. My family supporting middle class skilled professional job disappeared, and far more than half of the people I see at displaced worker events are women. Since we still earn less, joblessness hits us faster. We’re also more often single, and those of us who are don’t have the insulating resources of a two-income household. [By age 65, 78% of men are married, but only 57% of women (http://www.agingstats.gov/agingstatsdotnet/main_site/data/2008_Documents/Population.aspx).]
More access to the political process? Well, we can e-mail our elected officials more easily. But do they listen, consider, and respond? Not in my experience. Take healthcare: across political boundaries, most women I know strongly support single payer universal health care. We want our children and grandchildren and our more ideologically pure husbands to have healthcare. But our voice isn’t at the table, is it?
Are we running for office and getting elected more? Not that I can see.
So in addition to the unequal housework and absurd personal expectations, let’s add another factor: what we hear doesn’t always correspond with what we see and experience.
Maybe we’re unhappier because we’re smarter.
I’m glad I waited a day before replying to this intriguing post because my first response would have been an “are you kidding me?” kind of retort. Women unhappier today than 40 years ago? Duh!
However, tempered by a little time (with “little” being the operative word—it’s all I have!), my reply instead is about Dave’s comments on multitasking. Haven’t you read, recent studies reveal multitasking to be a myth? Maybe that’s a reason women are unhappy… we know in our hearts that we’re not doing all things well… in fact, we know we’re not doing all things even acceptably. We can pretend to excel at work, home, family… but I’m guessing there are very few women who, if given a few moments of time in which to reflect, would think they’ve found a way to have it all.
It’s not only time for men to start vacuuming more, it’s time for all of us to accept that a clean floor is not essential to our happiness (well, most of us anyway).
I’m meeting with a group of women at my church FUS for a class titled Mothering and Identity. Last week eight of us spent less than 15 minutes compiling a list of qualities in a Good Mother. The list was 61 items long before we decided, Enough! Whether we are mothers or not, women have placed impossible demands on themselves and each other. We think everyone else is managing – some even excelling at – the tasks (and the multi-tasking). To acknowledge that we are not, that we can’t do it all/be it all, feels like a personal failure. But if we would all just get honest with each other, things could be so different!
When was the last time you wanted to have friends over but passed because you were embarrassed about the crumbs in the sofa cushions or the weeds in the garden? Or you do have friends over but your energy is focused on whether they’ll notice the cookies are store-bought. Or you’re worried they’ll ask you what college your kids are going to because you haven’t been able to admit they’re happy working at the gas station. And you wonder, after a day at the office, running the kids to the dentist, cooking dinner (from scratch), if you’ll have time to do all the laundry before the family vacation this weekend. Oh, better make sure to confirm the reservations…
I’m sure there are larger economic, social, and gender issues that are contributory to women’s unhappiness. But we’d do ourselves and each other much good if we stopped pretending that we’ve got it all together, and got honest about what each of us really needs for happiness.
Dawn –
You know that I agree with you about the impossible expectations we mothers place on ourselves. And I’m sorry that I didn’t blog about “Cakes for the Queen of Heaven.” I got distracted by the brouhaha about women’s happiness.