Raising Spiritually Healthy Children   

Other ways, apart from worship and education, to nurture children's spirituality.

The words “spiritual but not religious” kept coming to mind as I read the findings of the recent Pew Forum survey on American religious beliefs and practices. We are indeed a spiritual people: nine out of ten Americans say they believe in God, and nearly 60 percent of us pray every day. But you won’t find a majority at the local synagogue or church. Only 39 percent of Americans attend worship services once a week.

There are all sorts of ways to nurture our spirituality outside a faith community, of course. But as a parenting expert, and as a parent myself, I wonder how other parents manage to impart their spirituality to their children. In my work with parents over the past twenty-five years, I have written a good deal about how to raise physically, emotionally, and sexually healthy children. As a minister, I know that raising them to be spiritually healthy is just as important.

Children have an innate curiosity about spiritual things. As parents, we have a responsibility to guide them in their search for meaning, in understanding how to make ethical decisions, in developing compassion and good moral character.  For many of us, involving our children in our faith communities is essential. The Pew survey also revealed that six in ten parents with children at home pray with them, read Scripture with them, or send them for religious instruction. But there are still more ways of nurturing a child’s spirituality that don’t involve worship or education. Here are some possibilities:

Explore life’s big questions in your home. When I work with parents on sexuality issues, I often reassure them that the sex questions that have scientific answers (“where do I come from?” or “how did the baby get in there?”) are much easier to answer than the theological questions (“how come I was born?” or “why do bad things happen?”). Parents often shy away from these types of discussions because they mistakenly believe their children are too young to understand them. It is important to honor your children’s questions and take them seriously. That means you need to think about what you believe and to share your own questions (and doubts) with your children.

Too often, parents supply children with answers, cutting off discussion or telling them what to believe. A better approach is to encourage your child’s sense of faith and wonder, understanding that these types of questions are an opportunity for dialogue and discussion, not lectures. Parents would do well to acknowledge the mysteries of life (“no one knows for sure”) while sharing parts of the answers they have found helpful (“it comforts me to believe in heaven”).

These types of conversations need not only be about the big questions of life and faith but also about moral decision making, respect, empathy, and justice. Just as with sex and drugs, “teachable moments” arise every day that can help you address moral issues with your children. The news, television, movies, and their experiences at school provide seemingly endless opportunities to address your family’s ethics and values about diversity, tolerance, and equality. Discussions around moral quandaries and topical issues help children develop the ability to make their own good moral and ethical decisions.

Create rituals. Rituals nurture a child’s sense of spirituality. How your family celebrates religious holidays is part of it, and these holidays help give children a sense of faith security. But there are everyday rituals as well, such as moments of gratitude before meals or blessings at bedtime. Parents might have a special way of saying good night and affirming their love that children learn to count on. You can keep delivering those special words in text messages or on the telephone as your children begin to spend time away from home.

We can also develop rituals for secular events. How do you mark birthdays, report cards, the first day of vacation? Do you do something special the first day of school each year? What happens in your family when your child loses a tooth? Is there something special you do on the last day of school? I have held “last carry” ceremonies with each of our children. Around age five or six, they became too heavy for me to pick them up. I wanted to mark this particular transition from toddler-hood to childhood, so with each of them, I picked them up for the last time, carried them around their rooms, and placed them down with a blessing for the “last carry.”

Promote an ethic of action. Tikkun olam—or “repair of the world”—can be kindled in every child’s upbringing. You can teach your children that spirituality, ethical treatment, and social action are intimately connected, whether or not your family practices a particular religion. Providing your children with opportunities to be of service is one way to develop their sense of compassion and good character. Two Hebrew terms—mitzvah (good deed) and gemilut hasadim (acts of loving kindness)—sum up the sense of responsibility that we can nurture in our children.

Children learn their responsibilities to the world in their homes. If you are involved in social action, share it with your children. Even the youngest children can accompany you to a soup kitchen or a visit to an elderly neighbor or family member. Signing your family up for a night at a homeless shelter or helping with a Habitat for Humanity project provides opportunities for family connection and service. For teenagers and children in upper elementary school, the list of social action options includes many possibilities: tutoring, providing free babysitting services, collecting food, running recycling drives, painting murals in vacant lots, planting trees and community gardens, organizing neighborhood cleanups, and more. Synagogues and churches may provide volunteer activities for youth, but so can 4-H, Scouts, and Boys and Girls Clubs.

The lesson for all parents, both religious and nonreligious, is the same: it is our job to nurture our children’s spiritual well-being. How we talk with our children, the milestones we celebrate, and the compassion we model for them are among the ways we ensure that they become the faithful adults we want them to be.