Tikkun Magazine, March/April 2008

In-Your-Face, Mussar Style 

by Leonard Felder

HOW DO YOU CONFRONT SOMEONE EFFECTIVELY? HOW DO YOU CHANGE someone's behavior when you strongly dislike what he or she is doing?

Growing up in an activist congregation in Detroit during the 1960s, I heard a lot about the need to repair the world and speak up for important causes. But I barely heard anything in those days about how to be effective and act responsibly when you are up against someone who sees the world differently from you.

The Slum Landlord And The Self-Righteous Teenager

MY FIRST REAL-LIFE ENCOUNTER WITH IN-YOUR-FACE ACTIVISM CAME WHEN I WAS fifteen years old. Several of us from my temple youth group spent the summer months working as classroom aides for a Head Start program in a low-income neighborhood in the riot-torn Motor City. Helping the diverse preschool kids was exciting, but I was upset to discover that many of them lived in run-down apartments that weren't being kept up by their absentee slum landlords.

So I did some research at various city-housing agencies to find out who owned these particular unkempt buildings. To my surprise, one person owned all the buildings: the president of my temple.

Immediately a few of us decided to speak up and force this prominent member of our tribe to clean up his act. We wrote angry letters to the rabbi, the board members, and various local media. We appeared on a late-night television talk show and blasted the slum landlord publicly, calling him a hypocrite and a phony.

Within a few weeks, the man responded by having his lawyers warn us about slander laws and financial penalties for those who engaged in slander. He also announced that he absolutely had nothing to apologize for. He said he felt misunderstood, inaccurately depicted, and horrified that our temple youth group was turning into a name-calling circus.

Despite all our passionate zeal and our self-righteous statements about his "hypocrisy," we essentially made no impact on this individual or on the buildings he owned.

A Different Approach

IT WASN'T UNTIL SEVERAL YEARS LATER THAT I BEGAN TO LEARN WHY WE HAD BEEN SO ineffective (and what could be done differently when confronting a defensive individual about improving some broken corner of the world). In a class on the Mussar tradition within Judaism, given by a beloved rabbi, I found the missing piece of my earlier Jewish education on repairing the world.

Mussar consists of a series of daily character development steps and profound teachings from various Jewish sources that were compiled by several generations of rabbis in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries. The Mussar movement within traditional Judaism was led at first by Rabbi Elijah ben Solomon of Vilna (often called the Vilna Gaon) and his student Rabbi Israel Lipkin (who was later called Rabbi Israel Salanter because of his studies and teachings in the Lithuanian town of Salant).

These scholars and their students composed an organized system of self-monitoring and personal-change methods on how to develop the patience, wisdom, and insight to treat each human being with dignity and compassion, even during the tension-filled moments of daily living and passionate disputes. They drew from the practical wisdom of the Torah, the sages, the Talmudic debates, and the oral tradition of rabbinic Judaism to address the question of how to develop one's character and be a good person even when those around you are taking nasty shortcuts. The central theme in the Mussar teachings is to treat one's fellow human beings (especially during a disagreement or a power struggle) in the mutually respectful way you would want to be treated.

From several Mussar teachers, courses, discussions, and readings over the years, I've found there's a much more effective and profound way of speaking up for justice and fairness than the self-righteous name-calling and reflexive demonizing I succumbed to when I was a teenager in the 1960s (and that we still see in most political and social turf-battles today). Specifically, in order to move someone from being stubbornly in opposition to your progressive ideas, there are several key Jewish teachings highlighted by various Mussar scholars that can make an enormous difference, including:

1) Try a dignified one-on-one first

As far back as the twelfth century, Rabbi Moses ben Maimon (often referred to as the Rambam or Maimonides) said that the best way to rebuke/correct someone is to make sure the conversation is private, one-on-one, and dignified so that you show respect for the essentially decent character and soul of the person about whose objectionable behavior you are commenting.

Many Jewish teachings talk about the fact that embarrassing someone in public or crushing someone's self-worth by name-calling or a shaming tone of voice is tantamount to murder. The Hebrew word for shaming someone is mahlbeen, which literally means "to make white" or to cause the blood to leave someone's face as a result of being disgraced. Rather than attempting to crush the soul or spirit of someone whose actions you would like to change, it's far more effective and ethical to deliver your feedback or suggestions with such delicacy that the other person feels supported and encouraged (rather than attacked or shamed) by your comments.

2) Make sure you aren't trying to blast someone for what you yourself need to be working on

In the Babylonian Talmud, Rabbi Nathan said, "Reproach not your neighbor for a blemish that is yours." In the biblical Book of Zephaniah (2:2) it says, "Remove the chaff from yourself, then remove it from others."

So rather than calling someone else a hypocrite or a phony, it would be helpful to use that person's misbehavior first as an internal flashlight to look into your own sneaky places. Then, when you have connected with your own imperfections, manipulation tendencies, and human-ness, you can begin to have a less self-righteous or patronizing tone in your one-on-one dialogues with the person you are hoping to understand and impact in a positive way.

The other person will find it much easier to hear the wisdom of your words if your tone doesn't have the shaming or contemptuous undercurrent of a closed-minded know-it-all. It may not be easy to build rapport and engage in respectful conversation with someone whose views or actions make your skin crawl, but if you come from a place of humility and teamwork you are far more likely to be successful than if you come from a holier-than-thou place.

3) Mussar teaches us to put human dignity and peace ahead of any other rules or laws

One of the most inspiring elements in Mussar stories about the Salanter rabbi and his followers is how these highly-observant Jews made sure not to put any laws, rules, customs, or commandments ahead of the need to treat each human being with dignity.

For example, there is a story of Rabbi Israel Salanter being asked to perform the ritual of having water poured over his hands prior to the Shabbat dinner at the home of a wealthy follower. Rabbi Salanter, who normally would perform a Shabbat ritual with great enthusiasm and gusto, decided that night to pour only a few drops on his hands. The host asked why and the rabbi explained to him in private that the domestic workers appeared tired from having to carry the water from such a great distance and that he didn't want them to have to go get more water.

Without shaming anyone, he had made his host aware of how to be more respectful toward his employees and to let him know that even the all-important Shabbat rituals were less important than the way we treat other human beings.

Another Chance to Shake Things Up 

A FEW YEARS AGO, I HAD ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY TO CONFRONT someone—but to do it differently this time. A member of my congregation owned a nearby business that was reputedly being unfair and unkind to its workers. A few local rabbis and union leaders were planning to make a public stink about this rigid employer in order to humiliate him and pressure him into changing his ways. The accused business owner had responded by saying he would never bend to public insults or pressure-tactics.

I wondered if maybe this was a chance to experiment with Mussar methods for confronting someone with integrity and dignity. So I began to write gentle notes and make some phone calls to set up a few informal, private, conversational meetings with this embattled employer to see what we could learn from each other.

When we soon met in person, I found out that this anxious man cared deeply about his family and the financial future of his children. I learned that this highly stressed individual had been forced at a very young age to focus on business and had never been able to pursue his secret dreams in the field of art and architecture. I discovered, during one of our conversations, that he often felt trapped between the rising labor costs in his company and the endless pressures from his stockholders to somehow keep increasing quarterly profits and share prices. I also learned that this somewhat self-aware man desperately wanted to do a much better job at being a compassionate human being than his harsh father (the former owner of the company) had been.

During each of our conversations, I had to keep reminding myself to pay attention to his precious soul (and the fragile wounded human being) that was underneath his rigid, intimidating outer personality. It took several conversations and a few awkward moments before he was willing to brainstorm on what might be a win/win solution for both his firm and the workers.

Slowly, however, this man began to engage in a two-way problem-solving dialogue where we each kept coming up with new ideas on how to address the legitimate needs of each person in the mix. Once we began to work together as fellow human beings (rather than objectified adversaries), some excellent solutions began to emerge. Over the next few weeks, he not only was able to save face and feel good about the eventual outcome, but he was able to significantly improve the lives of his workers.

Why Mussar?

I'M NOT SAYING MUSSAR IS THE ONLY PATH THAT GETS GOOD RESULTS. CERTAINLY there are many excellent dialogue and mediation techniques in the fields of political activism, psychology, and spirituality for addressing difficult situations where passionate people have clashing viewpoints.

So why am I recommending Mussar? Why should a modern activist or progressive thinker study a self-monitoring system that comes from traditional Judaism? Indeed, the Mussar tradition is becoming more accessible to liberal Jews and non-Jews for the first time through several modern sources, including the recent writings of Alan Morinis, author of Everyday Holiness: The Jewish Spiritual Path of Mussar (Trumpeter, 2007).

Here are a few practical reasons why this little-known spiritual approach might be useful to you (or to someone you know who occasionally gets self-righteous or shaming during a heated conversation):

1) It helps you look at subtle process issues and not just overt content.

Have you ever been in a political, religious, or intellectual debate where what you said was clearly correct, but the way you said it caused people to tune you out? Mussar gives you daily self-awareness and refocusing tools so that you can examine any unfortunate moments where you tend to shoot yourself in the foot.

For example, you might be speaking up at meetings or writing essays and blogs about important social issues with excellent facts, analyses, and suggestions, yet there is an element of sarcasm, victimhood, self-righteousness, excessive people-pleasing, or a shaming tone that is getting in the way of your profound words. It's ineffective to talk about love, peace, goodness, repairing the world, or higher values when your tone of voice or your writing style confuses people who aren't sure how to connect with your underlying sense of contempt or your "us versus them" self-righteousness.

2) It helps you discover the power of humility and compassion, which is crucial when you're brainstorming toward innovative solutions with someone who holds a very different set of beliefs.

Have you ever said to someone (in a personal or political dispute) that you wanted to be regarded as equals, but you silently felt intellectually superior to this individual? Quite often if you are trying to work toward a healthy win/win solution with someone who comes from a different political viewpoint, social class, religious perspective, or personal history, this individual can sense any arrogance, cliquishness, or one-up-manship that is leaking out of your comments and suggestions.

The person with whom you are trying to work toward a healthy resolution of a longstanding conflict might resist or sabotage your good ideas simply because he or she is not willing to let your arrogance, condescension, or huffiness win the argument. That's why the Mussar exercises of developing humility, compassion, and consistent decency are so essential in order to be a successful agent for positive change. Only when you and the other person are truly equals/teammates in search of an innovative solution can you open up bridges of understanding and cooperation that were previously blocked.

3) It gives you strength and centeredness even when you're in a stressful or frustrating situation.

The purpose of Mussar is not to cause you to withdraw from conflict, to be overly "nice," or to refrain from trying to improve this broken world. Quite the opposite, it shows repeatedly how to maintain a sense of strength, backbone, and integrity even when you are faced with the most upsetting or unfair conditions.

Learning how to stay strong, open, and creative (rather than fragmented or vengeful) during the most stressful disputes might be the most valuable asset you bring to an important confrontation with someone who is doing or saying hurtful things. In fact, if the other person repeatedly witnesses your strength and centeredness, in some (but certainly not all) cases he or she is likely to think at some point, "Wow, I wish I could be as clear, strong, and compassionate as this caring, high-integrity individual seems to be. This person isn't mean or aggressive, yet I can tell I'm not dealing with a pushover."

Building Centuries Of Wisdom

MUSSAR DOESN'T REQUIRE THAT YOU BE perfect or flawless in how you handle stressful situations. Rather, it's a system of checks and balances to make sure you keep learning what allows you to live with more integrity and inter-personal effectiveness.

Yet, rather than having to figure all this out in a vacuum, you are able to call upon many hundreds of years of wise teachings and great debates about how to live mindfully each day. It comes in handy right at the moment when you are about to go off on someone who gets on your nerves, because those are the moments when just a sarcastic tone or a shaming turn of phrase can cause damage which takes years to repair.

Leonard Felder, PhD, is a licensed psychologist in West Los Angeles whose books include Seven Prayers That Can Change Your Life, The Ten Challenges, and When Difficult Relatives Happen To Good People.

Felder, Leonard. 2008. In-your-face, Mussar style. Tikkun 23(2):58-61,78.