Tikkun Magazine, January/February 2008

Dear Swami

by Swami Beyondananda

Dear Swami:

Well, it's holiday time, and once again I will find myself at too many parties and family gatherings where I inevitably end up eating too much. Then it's months and months of trying to get myself back in shape ... and pretty soon it's next holiday season and the same thing. Any tips for getting off this vicious cycle, and getting back into shape this January?

Dinah Bunch

Hartford, Connecticut

Dear Dinah:

I've often said, when you find yourself on a vicious cycle, stop peddling. So the first step in easy weight loss is, don't put it on in the first place. That's why I never go to any holiday gathering without my eating glasses. They magnify everything on my plate by a factor often, so you feel fulfilled before you get filled full. But even if you eat like a horse and end up feeling like a full filly, no problem. You've heard of Weight Watchers? I've discovered something even better—Shape Shifters. They promise to help you shift from shapeless and shiftless to ship shape without diet or exercise! What's their secret? Photoshop. You'll be virtually slender in no time.

Dear Swami:

It's amusing for me to see so many people worrying about the state of the world and trying to figure out what to do about it. For those of us who are already saved, we know where this world is going—straight to hell! Meanwhile, the righteous will be lifted, up and taken from this Godforsaken planet to dwell in the House of the Lord forever. So stop wasting your time and energy and know there is only One Way. The signs are everywhere Swami!

Benton R. McGedden, Lynchburg, Virginia

Dear Benton:

Congratulations on buying a condo in the afterlife! I own some of that unreal estate myself. Being a swami who believes in reincarnation, I didn't even have to pay cash. I just put it on my Ascended Mastercard and billed it to a future lifetime. So maybe I'll run into you at the Ascended Masters Golf Tournament one of these epochs.

Re: your recent spiritual transaction, I hope you read the fine print. While our Father's Mansion has many rooms, apparently before they let you actually occupy one, they rightly want to make sure you're not going to trash it. And apparently, they check the record on how we've treated the planetary home we now occupy as an indicator of what kind of tenants we're likely to be in the afterlife.

And here's more bad news. Remember back in elementary school when the entire class had to stay after school just because of a few troublemakers? Well, apparently our entire species is on the verge of flunking third dimension, and that would be sad indeed. We've been on this physical plane for millennia and you'd think by now we'd have learned how to fly it. I mean, come on. Where's our species pride?

As for the "signs" you've been seeing, if your "one way" is anything other than the one way of love, I say "do not enter." You are obviously going the wrong way.

Dear Swami:

As someone getting older, I've heard that you can extend your life by eating less. Is that true? And if I were to limit my food intake, do you know of any food that would provide maximum nourishment to an older person?

Jerry Attricks, Phoenix, Arizona

Dear Jerry:

Well, as someone growing older—you have a lot of company. As for eating less, you may not actually live any longer but it will certainly feel that way. Now I'm no nutritional expert, so I'm just going to have to rely on common sense here. If there is one food that seems like it's absolutely made for older folks, it would have to be elderberries.

Swami Beyondananda is the comic alter ego of Steve Bhaerman and can be found online at www.wakeuplaughing.com.

Source Citation

Beyondananda, Swami. 2008. Dear Swami. Tikkun 23(1):80.